I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
