Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
