she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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