The maid of honor just puked.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
