if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
