I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Damn victory sex feels great
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