i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it wasn't lemon gatorade
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
