girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
