omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drunk is not a location!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
