his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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