we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's like iHOP with fire
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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