We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
