Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
