I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
