I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
