its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
