she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There's always time for handjobs
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
