we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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