Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My cat gives me a boner
Michael Bay diarrhea
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
