They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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