We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
