Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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