Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
