You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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