you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i think i just lost a toe
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
