I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
