When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I see more hoeing in ur future
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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