I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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