Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
