Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
