you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
