one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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