Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Someone shit on the floor
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
