3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
