youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize