Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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