I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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