and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
