so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
