it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
