i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
