Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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