i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
