upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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