Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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