Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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