I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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