I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
