The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
