On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
