It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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