Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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