The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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