maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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