just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My bed smells like the plague
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
