I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
