So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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