I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
