Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
