Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
