I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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