he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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