We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
