I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
3 2 1 whiskey
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
